Unattainable (4 July 2009)

(to N)
The question is not simply "who am I?" or "who is he?" If we really knew the answer to either of those questions, we wouldn't need to feel so betrayed by our sense of fairness that there things really are "meant to be". Who am I? who is he? Who are we in relation to who the other is? -- To who he is, to who he can be, and to who he will be. -- The beautiful one, the free one, the lost one, the silent one.

Like all gay men, maybe we can take our wisdom from Disney movies. Jasmine tells Aladdin that she is "not a prize to be won". In other words, she is not an object. Who can we possibly be to each other? This is exactly what we cannot know without already knowing. Instead, what remains are moments and all we can do is repeat. Repeat, and wait to see his smile.